“It’s just a voice”

Posted on by yazzeus

My body is frail. To think that I can handle this is a highly inaccurate assumption based on nothing but blind optimism. I write the same things over and over again because it is my only temporary remedy, but even I am getting tired of reading the same words. If only someone can pull the plug on my mind and let my body rest. Thoughts are everywhere — everywhere I look I see a set of old eyes mocking me.

 

“It’s just a voice.”

But, I don’t want to give it a life. It already came a long way, asking me questions about names it’s not familiar with; names that bring my heartbeat to a halt. How do I convince myself that I’m well when this voice — that’s nothing but a voice — keeps me from sleeping at night?

It’s a whisper — a cruel whisper that carries burdens I’ve managed to bury deep within me. Under layers of skin, it speaks.

“Hello”
What does it want for me?
“Hello… Why are you afraid?”

I kick off my sheets. I need to move. I pace back and forth hoping I can escape, but with every turn I take, it greets me: “Hello.” I can feel it smile. How can a voice smile so devilishly?

I reach one end of the room then take a sharp turn to the other.
“I’m still here.” Go away… please go away.
“Why won’t you speak to me?”

“I’m just a voice.” I don’t stop moving because if I stop, it’ll take a hold of me. I know this voice. I’ve grown familiar with this voice. It’s everything I’ve been repressing, chasing me and I’m not ready to face any of it.

I know because when everything is okay it comes creeping.
“Remember this,” but I don’t want to remember.
This pain is gone. I’ve walked away.
“But, are you ready to forget?”

Oh, why do you have to burden me? Why do I long to lay down and die a slow death empty of words? Can someone make me feel better for a day… I need an escape.

 

Love,  Alyazya

30 thoughts on ““It’s just a voice””

  1. This writing captured something powerful. It definitely spoke to me. I’ve heard that whispering voice before, I think many have….and when you discuss writing the same words over and over again, and getting tired of it, getting nowhere with it…it’s a truth so few are willing to admit. Good work!

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  3. Thank you for this amazing writing Yaz, it’s really heart touching, I think many people have heard that same voice, it might be our inner soul’s voice reminding us of where we was and what we have put in our minds and achieved and what we have to concur despite what we fear of .

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  5. Thank you for this amazing writing Yaz, I have heard this voice so many times and I think many people did too, it might be our inner soul voice, reminding us of where we was and where we are now, and what we have put in our minds and achieved, and we have to concur, despite all the things we fear.

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  6. I feel the night coming on, my Lord. Shadows surround me, I am growing weaker. But nothing can turn my soul away from you. I am in the valley now, Lord. The darkness is filled with the unknown. But I cannot feel alone as long as you are with me. Onward I will go. Though my enemies despise me and my friends desert me, still will I walk toward home. You have always promised to never leave and forsake me. Though the blackness of dark leaps over me, it will be light in my soul. The valley is deep, but onward I go, for I know that on the other side will be the gate. With tears of joy and relief, I will walk through that gate. You will take my hand in your wounded one, and walk with me through glory. On the other side. All on the other side. And I will then praise you forever and forever.

    It is dawn. Thank you, Lord, for morning. Thank you for second chances and new opportunities and fresh insights. The sun is rising higher and higher, spreading its rays of hope and cheer. Thank you for the rest that brought about new strength for a new day. And for time to reflect on the joy of you as I plan my day. Someday it will be another dawn. A dawn when I will close my eyes here and open them in the land of forever dawn where you are the sun and it is always day.

    And envelope my friend in your special love.

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  7. Takes time and needs a diversion, to change the need of slow death to long survival.
    You expressed it so well…For a moment I could visualize my girlfriend standing in front of me with her husband and I long to lay down and die a slow death empty of words 🙂

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    2. You don’t need to be sorry, in fact this experience has helped me start blogging and express my feelings!!! It has got me connected to all of you, who have been so amazing with the blogs and helped me learn as well as improvise in every phase. 🙂

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  8. That voice was silence little by little in diligence seeking a different truth then the one that was getting me nowhere. I decided to let God in and little by little reading each day every day no matter what Psalm 91 the voices turned into one radical thought voice that sends me to bless whoever God wants to bless daily. Decide not to listen one day at a time and control what you day or write. Words have power over our minds and our life. Kind of like the saying be careful what you wish for, well out of my own experience be careful what you speak or what you write. You have the power to rewrite your next powerful story. May the light of a new dawn reach your mind and you may want to start to seek and find at Jesus feet. Oh and I used to be an atheist. I live to testify because I am his testimony and my life everything in it would not be on earth if it was not by his miracles and mighty wonders. Bless you!

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts. They hit home. I was saved at a young age, but because of my Pride in the world and my Fear of the world,,, it is difficult for anyone to distinguish me from an atheist. Thank You !!!

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  10. I used to run to stay ahead of the voice. As long as I was moving, I was at peace. But when I stopped, it would find me again. I think that it is only after that last lonely walk that the voice is revealed as Akasha.

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  11. I’m guessing from all the comments that you are not alone in your experience. I find I have to consciously catch it when it’s happen and ‘change the channel’ so to speak. Either write down what is in my head or force my attention elsewhere.

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  12. Try to internalize that; live that way:

    I overcame myself, the sufferer; I carried my own ashes to the mountains; I invented a brighter flame for myself

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  15. Salam Alyazya. I’m sorry, honey. I don’t know how to ease your heart because i lost someone i love recently. The only thing i can think of to make you feel better is this verse… “Fasbir sabran jamila / So endure patiently, with a beautiful patience” – Al Ma’arij / The Ascending Stairways, 70:5. So maybe this ayah / verse can soothe your heart, darling.

    Hope this help and make you feel better. And one more thing, thank you for your liked on my post. Thank you. Really appreciate it. You make my day, today. Ya? (smiling) Actually, it’s night already here in Kuala Lumpur. (Laughing)

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    1. Hey Nour, thank you for sharing sweety 💙 I’d like to assure you that I’m in no pain but I can only write about specific topics (I’m limited in that sense)

      Your comment made my day! Thank you again 💕

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  17. When lips are silent, the face still speaks sometimes silently it screams. to decipher is no easy task one must have been broken apart many times to be able to mirror and soul gaze.

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