Deterioration

Posted on by yazzeus
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Idiot it in the cold

I don’t know why I’m in a rush to be someone else. I’m too afraid to be myself or let myself be me, and I’m almost envious of who I used to be.

I’m caught up in a hurricane. All I do is lay down as time passes by and the stress builds up. I wish I’d stop killing me like she is. She’s sick. She’s dying. Her disease is contagious. She’ll drag me down under. Soon, I’ll have nothing to lose.

I’ve never seen a living body decomposing before I saw what it’s like to be me. I wish I can learn to love something that’s been given to me but I can’t love something that asks for too much, and you’re asking me to be someone I never was.

 

Love,  Alyazya

48 thoughts on “Deterioration”

  1. In my twenties, I had a bout with depression. It was over a woman – surprise! I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn’t be what she wanted. If being someone else was what it took to love her, it wouldn’t be me loving her anyway. I finally got away from her all together, gave myself a chance to meet someone. And I did. I gave myself permission to live. And I did.

    It’s easy to sit on the outside, and say “I’ve been there.” So, I won’t. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. Time does heal you.

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  3. good post.Every thing has a cycle and it passes off as the cycle ends.we only need to be patient with us. and flow with the current of water.Trust me Yazzeus,it works this way.

    Love and regards
    ravi

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  5. There’s never any shortage of pain in the world, that’s for sure. But when you can take it and sculpt it into something insightful and beautiful, then the world is a little better off than it was before. That’s exactly what you did here. Thank you for sharing.

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  6. There is a saying floating around the cosmos that goes something like this: we can’t find ourselves until we are lost. As I near 60, I can tell you that losing and redefining myself has happened often. It gets less scary the older you get. Be gentle with yourself – you are giving birth to new

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  10. I love the imagery here, especially with the decomposing body. I remember going through a period where I had very similar feelings. I made a lot of mistakes in my early 20s and felt like I’d lost who I used to be. I dwelt a lot on that. But then I had (and this is going to sound pretty cheesy, but it’s true) an “Aha” moment while watching the Oprah Winfrey show. I don’t know if this will even mean anything significant to you, but my realization was that a few mistakes don’t define me as a person. I can be whoever I want to be. Those mistakes were beautiful because they helped me find true self. It didn’t feel like it at the time, but now that I’m on the other side, I’m glad for them. They make me a better person and more understanding to what other people are going through and less judgmental. We all have our good days and bad days, and good days are ahead! 🙂

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    1. Thanks for visiting my blog again 💜 I appreciate you sharing your cheesy moment with me. Sometimes the smallest things have the biggest impact.

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  11. Can pain be beautiful ? Perhaps the beauty I sense is from your ability to seek and challenge the inner self, honesty and raw emotion always have the air of beauty. It is a curse of the writer/poet that we often craft our most powerful Art when clinging to the edge of the pit. Please don’t fall in if you find yourself there, you have so much to give !

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  12. Something about the way you describe feeling like you’re rotting away in your bed, and I can relate on a deep level back to when I was in a much darker place. It’s beautiful poetry, but I hope that you are feeling okay. Sometimes we can find ourselves being tied down and restricted to a bed by our feelings, and we need someone to pluck us out of our bed sheets and push us back into the world. And sometimes that person needs to be you. There’s a lot of help out there, if you seek it. ❤

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    1. I’m happy that you found something to relate to and I’m relieved that it’s in the past 💜 You found a beautiful way to describe such an ugly feeling 🌺

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  13. I’ve been struggling with the names of some of my characters. I’ve been looking for names that sound and feel right, and then I took a look at your blogger name and realized “Alaya” or “Alza” or “Aya” work. When I go through my first edit, I am going to make the changes. I just thought I should tell you.

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  14. In so few searing words, you said something so big it cannot be contained by words. I think this is what’s happening to everyone, all the time, first breath to last. You nailed it.

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  18. Very beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. It’s been a while since i have had depression (recovered over three years ago, I suppose), The pain leaves scars, and these scars still hurt when you touch them, but at the same time I’m grateful that they are no longer wounds.

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  19. Interesting writing, Alyazya.
    I don’t agree with your photo caption, though, you’re not an idiot, even if you wrote that as a joke. You’re too smart to be an idiot 😀

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  20. Relatable. We take a lot of time to realise that it’s good to be ourselves and not someone else. And when we do, we come face to face with happiness.

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  22. Beautiful writing, simple yet heartfelt. The ” living body decomposing” sounds like anorexia to me. Hope I’m wrong. I’ve also been chronically depressed, but I got some good counselling. Remember, we’re ALL lost at 21. You have so much to live for.

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