Music drains me

My hair isn’t this messy, I promise

My long drives, my happiest days and my nights in complete sorrow are often spent in silence.

I’ve always romanticized the idea of listening to music in order to heighten my emotions or externalize them but that’s as effective as trying to push a wall through a mountain.

Music, as beautiful as it is, has never been more than a story — someone else’s story, someone else’s words, not mine. As much as I try to relate to it I can’t. It’s a barrier. It drains me. Music dependency syndrome — I hope that’s not a thing — sounds like a luxury because I truly envy anyone who can listen to a song and feel something — anything. I feel nothing but my own feelings being shut down by someone else’s words.

I’m truly envious of those who resort to music. It’s their backbone, their remedy, their pillar of hope and happiness. They can turn to it so easily because they know it’s watching over them, narrating their life.

Silence is my muse, as they say. It reaches out to me and revives my very core, waking my senses, allowing me to survive. My feelings are a burden I have to put into words. Unwritten thoughts are a heaviness I carry and I can’t think anymore, I can’t sleep anymore, I can’t function. Even my happiest moments are spent in silence, smiling, watching the world around me. I can’t speak, I just think about the words I’ll use to describe the moment I’m in.


Love, Alyazya


7 thoughts on “Music drains me

  1. This resonates, sensory joy sought from things like music, gaming, series etc 🙂 all drain my ‘core’ right now as you put it. I can’t do any of those things right now. I need silence to almost survive.
    Though in a certain capacity at certain special times these things will amplify it immensely however. Your reason for listening should not be escapism it should be an intense reminder of your grace ‘love connection’ and when your lead by grace and enthusiasm to listen you should.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. for me, music only becomes a backbone when it amplifies a particular feeling that i already have or a feeling i cherish.
    also, i can’t listen to music while writing. it completely pulls me away from the words and i am lost in the feeling or my thoughts. not in the process of capturing them which is what i originally sat down to do.
    that being said, silence is my muse, too. music can be overwhelming sometimes (since the amplification), but i find silence to be spacious enough to accommodate all of me. and then calm me some, too.

    love your blog, btw! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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